7/18/09

So I don't know how to react to this... I don't handle death well... AT ALL.. everyone knows this. Or everyone should... My friend's mother died this week. The 2nd councilor in my bishopric was accused of having sex and seducing an under age girl, a student of his actually. My issues have been becoming more of a nuisance and I feel as though I'm completely out of element. I don't know how to react. I don't know what people want. I don't know what I should do or what I should say. I don't know if I should be angry because my friend is hurt, or if I should be hurt because she is angry... A man once considered a hero in the community, among peers and youth, has fallen off of his pedestal that we placed him on. I love this man, and it seems surreal that this is happening directly to someone I know, not a friend of a friend of a friend... but someone I had a connection to. I'm reminded of how this is a truly humbling experience for all parties involved, including myself. Pedestals are scary things to place people on. They can titter and sway, but we always expect them to stand there, like a rock, not caring that they may be afraid of heights. We expect them to be perfect, and when they show that they are humans, who fall and not fly down, we throw them under foot, not caring about who they are, or how they helped us, or how they made us feel. We don't care of those who they are more intimately connected with. Their families, their wives and children, their standing in the community. Yes, I understand that the guilty make their bed, and as so, they should have to sleep in it. I understand that they place their families into these situations, but can we not add fuel to the already scorching bonfire that they created? My issues: yeah, they've been around, and sometimes I forget that they're there. But they creep up, unwelcome and undesired at the most weakest moments I have. They attack and don't let go until I have someone else help me pry them off. They take my lifeblood away, make my testimony in what I know to be true, and distort it until I don't really recognize it anymore. For those that read this, please tread carefully on my feelings. This is a diary, but with wanted/needed feedback since an actual journal can't. Some of these might be scary and dark, most of them actually. I only want to write when I need help, not when my life is going great... which is kinda backwards I guess... But I'm striving and I'm gonna keep holdin' on... what it is I'm holdin' onto, sometimes I'm not even sure, but I cling to it with the tips of my fingers when I think it's almost outta reach...