The Rowley's: Our Happily Ever After: “You endure what is unbearable, and you bear it. That is all.” ― Cassandra Clare

It's been 6 weeks, 3 days, and 2 hours since my mom left this world.

I miss her.

Often, throughout the day, I'll say a very simple prayer.

"God, I miss her."

Uttering those words allows the tears to fall down my cheeks. It allows my heart admit how much I miss her. How much saying goodbye hurt me. It brings a rush of anger and frustration and jealousy.

"God, I miss her."

I know many may see this phrase as a swear, but it's not. It's a plea to Him to let her know how much I miss her.

As a family, we experienced a miracle that we had been praying for. It wasn't the miracle we wished and prayed for; it was the miracle we needed.

On Wednesday, March 12, we gathered as a family at my parent's home. We sat around, some eating dinner extremely late, knowing that the next day we would tell the doctors and nurses that had so lovingly cared for our mother for the past few weeks that we were agreed to discontinue life support from our beloved momma.

My uncle and his wife and daughter flew in from California to say goodbye. My aunt came in from Colorado. My grandparents from Nebraska came as well.

People always roll their eyes at me when I say she is the favorite.

But it's truth.

She's the favorite sister, daughter, friend, momma, aunt. She is the favorite grandma and was my most favorite person in the entire world aside from my husband and son, and even then, she gave them a run for their money.

We decided to say goodbye.

"God, I miss her."

After we had talked with the doctors about her condition and how she was never going to improve much more than what she had, the doctors allowed us to bring our children into the Neuro Shock Trauma ICU, where the children and siblings had spent much of their time in, to say goodbye to Grandma.

I am grateful that my sister-in-law was there when I was able to bring my sweet son into the room. She was able to capture moments that I will treasure forever.

6 weeks, 3 days and 2 hours later, my tears are still as hot and sorrowful as they were that day.

Just as a warning, there are pictures of my Momma on her 2nd to last day here on Earth. Her head was shaved, tubes were coming from her mouth and nose, but she is just as beautiful to me then as she has been for my entire life.

It's just hard to see her attached to machines.

"God!!! I miss her!"

I am so grateful for the atonement. I am grateful for the priesthood. I am grateful that we honored my beautiful Momma's wishes by letting her go. My entire life, whenever the topic of living on machines came up, my mother very adamantly stated that she never wished to live her life like that.

She stayed behind to say goodbye.

I wish she had stayed still.

I cry and sniffle every day...

I'm sure I always will.

Goodbye to you my momma,
Goodbye to you, my friend.
I am looking forward to the day,
when you can hold me again.