“I believe that every single event in life happens in an opportunity to choose love over fear.” Oprah Winfrey

Sometimes in life, it kinda throws a curve ball you don't see coming.  Or a curve ball you thought you could hit outta the park but then it knocks you on the side of your head, causing you to be lying on the ground with birdies kinda floating around your head, twittering and leaving you confused. 

I've done one of the scariest, dumbest, and most ridiculous thing a girl could do.  Oh, I'm denying it to most everyone, but to myself and a few select people, no one knows for sure.  

I don't know what to do in this situation.  I don't know which way to go or how to progress.

My experience with the opposite sex has always been a more physical side.  I've never actually been the girlfriend, and while the idea of it is appealing, I have no idea how to get there without degrading myself into something that is disposable.  

"Have you ever been in love?"

I'm 24 and I'm pretty sure I've only been in love with one person.  RyLee.  My best friend that had a girlfriend.  And I know that the reason I fell for him in part was because he was safe. 
Nothing ever came of it.  His girlfriend hated me, and he disappeared from my life until he started semi-dating my gorgeous cousin.  

Being the best friend is a fine place to be.  I'm comfortable here, and while I wish that I was brave enough to make a move or have him make a move,  I don't want to ruin what I have... or not have.  

Those moments of tension.  The whole "will he finally kiss me" moments that happen have happened with all of my best guy friends.  And I always seem to be disappointed.  

But I am hoping for this one... And I'm playing the game a little more aggressive than I normally do.  

And yet, my brain gets all confused.  So when I sit here and type this, recollecting all the things that I have told other girls to do,  I am determined to follow my own advice.

 I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.

This is the mind set that I want.  I want to be able to throw myself out there.  To experience the hope of a new love.  To actually experience love and acceptance without the sexual gratification that comes with it.  

Someday... Someday...