While I was rummaging thru my notebooks and papers trying to find some of my poems to post on my blog, I stumbled across my Massage Therapy Feedback Notebook.

When I was in class, and when I was in clinic, I had a notebook with markers. At the end of their massage, I asked them to write what their thoughts and feelings were about my massage, my flow, my energy, etc. Here are a few of them:

"As good as you are now, I think you have found the right profession. Thanks!"

"That was an awesome massage!! You have a REAL feel for bodywork. You have no idea how much you helped me with my tension and pain. You will do great as a massage therapist Thanks!"

"Incredible! I loved you asking if it was too hard. You're very good on the feet and hands. My body is tingly with relaxation. Thanks!"

"That was the best massage I have ever had- from head to toe! You seemed to be able to zero in on all of my "trouble spots". thanks so much! You have a real talent. I've been coming here for about 3 years... and you are THE best!"

This got me thinking... why did I stop doing this? I loved it. I was good at it. I could read a body easily. I could zero in on feelings. I could feel the client's emotions. I could make people feel better about their lives, even if it was only for an hour at a time. I KNEW this. I could do it in my sleep and often I did.

Looking back to my life, looking back at that time, and realizing the demons I still have yet to conquer inside of me, I know the reason why I never completely completed my education. I was terrified.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. Thee's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson


Who was I? I wasn't even sure of that then. Not even close. I'm barely realizing it right now, and I still screw up. I know that God loves me. I know that He desires me to grow and change and become better. I know that He loves me.

I wonder sometimes what it would take to become certified and start doing it as an actual job. Not even a full time job. Just a part time gig. And maybe I could start doing interrupting. I am terrified of it. I feel so inadequate. In my BOM ASL class, the teacher is an interpreter. SO FLAMIN' INTIMIDATING!!!!! I feel like my hands are just lumps of flesh hanging down my sides, making the bare minimum "language requirements".

Maybe someday, the world won't seem so scary and I will be able to take my own advice. I know that I am better than I let myself settle for.. really? A mail girl and an attendant at a nickel arcade? really? Is that what I wanna do for the rest of my life? really?!?!